So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
My ATM looks so different sober.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
