I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
it's like heaven, but drunker
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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