am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
