when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
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