I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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