OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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