The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
