I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
How does it feel to date your dad?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
