Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
