i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
