I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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