DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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