I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
