btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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