Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Randomize
