Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
