so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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