fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
