My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
