i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
