insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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