dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
