i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
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