Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
