I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
