I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
