i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
