She is in my trunk
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
ugly people sure do ruin things
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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