Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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