dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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