I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
