we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
