I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
