Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize