i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
