my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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