apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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