She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
