Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
