I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
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