I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
