I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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