all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
