Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
last night I used snow as a chaser
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
