i already hear my dad disowning me
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
