Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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