We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
