I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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