I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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