sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
