Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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