I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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