she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
