i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
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