he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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