Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
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