nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
